Something that has been on my mind for a while now is, how do you grow an organization's maturity without going too quickly or too slowly.
First, a definition -- what is Organizational Maturity?
With due respect to Terence J. Cooke-Davies, I believe an organization is mature when its ability to carry out its core functions is fully developed - meaning all its core functions are understood, well defined, documented, and its staff are trained on how to execute them. The highest level of maturity would include the ability to learn over time and gradually improve performance with careful changes and careful measurements - and those measurements have to be meaningful.
The two core concepts here are Predictability and Repeatability. When an organization is operating well, its core functions are predictable and repeatable, and its results are as well.
So, how quickly can an organization (or one of its core functions) be brought along towards maturity?
I believe there are a series of steps that need to be taken in a specific order. Rush these or take them out of order, and you will suffer a setback. (Tip of the hat to the CMMI for these.)
1. Discipline - you have to be able to Repeat yourself, to do things the same way twice.
2. Definition - you have to be able to Train others to do what you did. If you try to train without discipline, the training won't stick.
3. Measurement - only when people are trained on the process does it make sense to measure the process. If people aren't well disciplined and trained, the measurements are meaningless.
4. Management - real management can only come after accurate numbers exist. You cannot manage what you cannot measure.
As each of the above is brought to an organization, you should pause and assess whether it's sticking. If people begin to slack off on their self discipline and stop doing things in the defined manner, the numbers stop being meaningful.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Innovative Prison Cost Savings
http://www.apa.org/monitor/jun05/suicide.html
Suicide watches by inmates benefit all
Prison suicide watches done by other inmates, instead of prison staff, reduce the frequency and duration of watches, benefit inmate observers and reduce costs, according to a study conducted by Federal Bureau of Prisons researchers that appears in the summer-fall issue of Psychological Services (Vol. 2, No. 1).
...
In this case, the medical center saved over $300,000 in overtime pay by using inmate observers for a year.
Suicide watches by inmates benefit all
Prison suicide watches done by other inmates, instead of prison staff, reduce the frequency and duration of watches, benefit inmate observers and reduce costs, according to a study conducted by Federal Bureau of Prisons researchers that appears in the summer-fall issue of Psychological Services (Vol. 2, No. 1).
...
In this case, the medical center saved over $300,000 in overtime pay by using inmate observers for a year.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Overview of Executive Dashboards
My friend Larry asked me for an overview of an executive dashboard system. Here it is.
What it is
How to Set it up
How to Use it
An executive dashboard is not a "thing" but a system. And developing the executive dashboard system requires an understanding the business that the dashboard will reflect.
A good executive dashboard provides a senior manager with a simple, visual display of the key indicators of the organization's success.
That simple display hides separable complexity, however. Each indicator is a summary of several lower-level indicators, and it is desirable to be able to drill down easily from the high level summary to the underlying details.
I generally recommend the dashboard be in four sections: past, present, future, and quality.
The "past" section contains financial indicators -- cash flow, sales, P&L, and the like.
The "present" section contains indicators of current activity, usually on a daily or weekly cycle. These will include things like the number of sales per retail outlet, web hits and page views at a web site, number of vehicles per hour, number of widgets off the assembly line, etc. If even a single store has unusually low sales, the top level indicator should go red to signal that something needs to be looked at.
The "future" section contains forward-looking indicators of future results, such as the sales pipeline, the response rate to marketing efforts, and even industry trends.
The "quality" section contains such crucial items as customer satisfaction, manufacturing defects, collection rates, and worker productivity.
Some Assembly Required
A proper dashboard requires a detailed understanding the business, and an equally detailed understanding of the business' strategy.
This can often be a challenge, but it is a challenge well worth meeting, because it requires senior managers express the organization's strategy in operational terms. That is obviously something that every senior manager should do anyway, but it frequently does not occur. Setting up the dashboard requires that be done early, visibly, and accurately.
For example, one organization was concerned about profitability of different jobs being processed by the job shop. The dashboard process, however, require management to be extremely specific about what they wanted and expected. For profitability to be tracked, new numbers had to be gathered on the shop floor. Previously, the desire for those numbers had been resisted by lower levels of the organization. Tracking labor hours and setup time by job was considered too much trouble.
Once it became clear, however, that upper management was taking these numbers very seriously, compliance improved.
Perhaps the most powerful effect of a good dashboard system is that the numbers being collected at the front line of the organization become useful to the front line workers in gauging their own success.
What it is
How to Set it up
How to Use it
An executive dashboard is not a "thing" but a system. And developing the executive dashboard system requires an understanding the business that the dashboard will reflect.
A good executive dashboard provides a senior manager with a simple, visual display of the key indicators of the organization's success.
That simple display hides separable complexity, however. Each indicator is a summary of several lower-level indicators, and it is desirable to be able to drill down easily from the high level summary to the underlying details.
I generally recommend the dashboard be in four sections: past, present, future, and quality.
The "past" section contains financial indicators -- cash flow, sales, P&L, and the like.
The "present" section contains indicators of current activity, usually on a daily or weekly cycle. These will include things like the number of sales per retail outlet, web hits and page views at a web site, number of vehicles per hour, number of widgets off the assembly line, etc. If even a single store has unusually low sales, the top level indicator should go red to signal that something needs to be looked at.
The "future" section contains forward-looking indicators of future results, such as the sales pipeline, the response rate to marketing efforts, and even industry trends.
The "quality" section contains such crucial items as customer satisfaction, manufacturing defects, collection rates, and worker productivity.
Some Assembly Required
A proper dashboard requires a detailed understanding the business, and an equally detailed understanding of the business' strategy.
This can often be a challenge, but it is a challenge well worth meeting, because it requires senior managers express the organization's strategy in operational terms. That is obviously something that every senior manager should do anyway, but it frequently does not occur. Setting up the dashboard requires that be done early, visibly, and accurately.
For example, one organization was concerned about profitability of different jobs being processed by the job shop. The dashboard process, however, require management to be extremely specific about what they wanted and expected. For profitability to be tracked, new numbers had to be gathered on the shop floor. Previously, the desire for those numbers had been resisted by lower levels of the organization. Tracking labor hours and setup time by job was considered too much trouble.
Once it became clear, however, that upper management was taking these numbers very seriously, compliance improved.
Perhaps the most powerful effect of a good dashboard system is that the numbers being collected at the front line of the organization become useful to the front line workers in gauging their own success.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Tom DeLay will Plead Guilty
This segment was prepared for broadcast on 10/2/05 but never made it on the air:
Jeff, I'm excited to bring you an exclusive scoop in the Tom DeLay case. As you may know, the majority leader of the U.S. House of Representatives, Republican Tom DeLay of Texas, was recently indicted.
He's been charged with a single count of Conspiracy to violate campaign finance laws. And under the rules put in place by the Republicans, nobody can serve in a leadership position while also facing any criminal indictment.
That means the Republican House Majority Leader has had to step down - that's a big blow to Republicans at the national level. Some fear that the multi-billion dollar spending orgy of the past five years may slow down as a result.
But the Northwest Nonsense News has received the only leaked copy of Tom DeLay's defense plans. And let me say, it's a masterpiece.
[JEFF: PLEASE TELL US ABOUT IT.]
The DeLay defense team has plotted out a stunning long term strategy that, once executed, will ensure that the public embraces Tom DeLay even more strongly and lovingly than it has in the past.
Now you may have heard that the charge here, Conspiracy, is regarded by lawyers as the easiest charge to bring but the hardest to prove. Combine that with the fact that the charge was sought by Travis County (Austin) prosecutor Ronnie Earle, who is a Democrat with a long history of indicting powerful people whom he then fails to convict.
Finally, you add in some of the confidential information that was leaked to me that demonstrate DeLay's innocence, and you'd be forgiven for assuming that DeLay was going to fight this accusation.
But the DeLay defense won't fight - they're going to plead guilty.
[JEFF: WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE WAS INNOCENT.]
Oh, he is, Jeff. But they cannot let this opportunity go by.
[JEFF: HOW IS IT AN OPPORTUNITY? YOU SAY HE'S INNOCENT AND HE COULD PROVE IT.]
That's correct.
[JEFF: WELL THEN, PLEADING GUILTY JUST SOUNDS NUTS.]
Jeff, genius is often mistaken for insanity. Believe me, Tom DeLay's defense is crazy like a fox. Here is the timeline, laid out in the secret documents that I have obtained from DeLay's defense team.
By June, the public begins to sicken from two endless months of Democratic wailing about DeLay. The Democrats, unable to take the hint, won't shut up. And public sentiment begins to turn.
In August of 2006, DeLay completes his sentence of work-release, and goes on ABC's Good Morning America with his wife to talk about his ordeal. Following in the footsteps of Martha Stewart, he then arranges to have a series of soft interviews with the likes of Larry King and Dr. Phil. Entertainment shows talk about what model ankle bracelet he wears during his parole.
By October of 2006, DeLay is transformed into a beloved American hero and gets his own TV show. He leads the Republicans to gain several seats in both the House and Senate, and is considered a serious contender for the Presidency in 2008.
Jeff, you can't get that kind of star treatment in America by being innocent. Only guilty people get to ride that particular gravy train. And thanks to Democratic over-reaching, Tom DeLay is about to jump on that gravy train and ride it to the White House.
[JEFF: THAT'S... AMAZING, TOM. I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO SAY.]
As for myself, I plan to plead guilty to something, just as soon as I can get the Democrats to indict me. I want my own TV show. Jeff?
[JEFF: THANK YOU FOR THAT REPORT, TOM.]
Jeff, I'm excited to bring you an exclusive scoop in the Tom DeLay case. As you may know, the majority leader of the U.S. House of Representatives, Republican Tom DeLay of Texas, was recently indicted.
He's been charged with a single count of Conspiracy to violate campaign finance laws. And under the rules put in place by the Republicans, nobody can serve in a leadership position while also facing any criminal indictment.
That means the Republican House Majority Leader has had to step down - that's a big blow to Republicans at the national level. Some fear that the multi-billion dollar spending orgy of the past five years may slow down as a result.
But the Northwest Nonsense News has received the only leaked copy of Tom DeLay's defense plans. And let me say, it's a masterpiece.
[JEFF: PLEASE TELL US ABOUT IT.]
The DeLay defense team has plotted out a stunning long term strategy that, once executed, will ensure that the public embraces Tom DeLay even more strongly and lovingly than it has in the past.
Now you may have heard that the charge here, Conspiracy, is regarded by lawyers as the easiest charge to bring but the hardest to prove. Combine that with the fact that the charge was sought by Travis County (Austin) prosecutor Ronnie Earle, who is a Democrat with a long history of indicting powerful people whom he then fails to convict.
Finally, you add in some of the confidential information that was leaked to me that demonstrate DeLay's innocence, and you'd be forgiven for assuming that DeLay was going to fight this accusation.
But the DeLay defense won't fight - they're going to plead guilty.
[JEFF: WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE WAS INNOCENT.]
Oh, he is, Jeff. But they cannot let this opportunity go by.
[JEFF: HOW IS IT AN OPPORTUNITY? YOU SAY HE'S INNOCENT AND HE COULD PROVE IT.]
That's correct.
[JEFF: WELL THEN, PLEADING GUILTY JUST SOUNDS NUTS.]
Jeff, genius is often mistaken for insanity. Believe me, Tom DeLay's defense is crazy like a fox. Here is the timeline, laid out in the secret documents that I have obtained from DeLay's defense team.
- In late September 2005, he was indicted and stepped down from his leadership
- position.
- In mid-November, he is publicly arraigned. That coincides with sweeps week on Court TV.
- In February 2006, DeLay's deposition is scheduled.
By June, the public begins to sicken from two endless months of Democratic wailing about DeLay. The Democrats, unable to take the hint, won't shut up. And public sentiment begins to turn.
In August of 2006, DeLay completes his sentence of work-release, and goes on ABC's Good Morning America with his wife to talk about his ordeal. Following in the footsteps of Martha Stewart, he then arranges to have a series of soft interviews with the likes of Larry King and Dr. Phil. Entertainment shows talk about what model ankle bracelet he wears during his parole.
By October of 2006, DeLay is transformed into a beloved American hero and gets his own TV show. He leads the Republicans to gain several seats in both the House and Senate, and is considered a serious contender for the Presidency in 2008.
Jeff, you can't get that kind of star treatment in America by being innocent. Only guilty people get to ride that particular gravy train. And thanks to Democratic over-reaching, Tom DeLay is about to jump on that gravy train and ride it to the White House.
[JEFF: THAT'S... AMAZING, TOM. I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO SAY.]
As for myself, I plan to plead guilty to something, just as soon as I can get the Democrats to indict me. I want my own TV show. Jeff?
[JEFF: THANK YOU FOR THAT REPORT, TOM.]
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Government Benchmarking
Here we go - The Business of Government, a good site for studying and measuring government programs' efficiency and effectiveness.
Here is my favorite report there - the Behn Report on 11 Better Practices.
Here is my favorite report there - the Behn Report on 11 Better Practices.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Public School Laundry Plan
A fourth sketch of mine. These were performed on KXL AM-750 in Portland on Sundays.
[JEFF SAYS: WE HAVE A LIVE REPORT FROM TOM COX. TOM?]
Jeff, I'm coming to you live from the headquarters of the Portland Public Schools, where the school board has just unveiled their latest new plan to better serve "the children".
As you know, Jeff, many school systems have been criticized for offering free breakfasts and lunches during the summer, even as schools complain they have no money.
Well, Jeff, those same kill joys who complained about the free food, are going to complain about this too: bunk beds and laundry facilities are being added to Portland schools.
The problem is this -- sometimes, kids show up for school without clean clothes or without having had a proper night's sleep. The answer to this should be obvious to anyone. This schools need to step up and fill the gap, just as they have with breakfast and lunch.
By the way, Jeff, I should added that the schools will be adding free dinners to their menus.
[JEFF ASKS: ISN'T THIS GOING TO COST A LOT OF MONEY?]
Jeff, why do you hate children?
[JEFF SAYS: TOM, I DON'T HATE CHILDREN.]
Oh really? Well, if you don't hate children, then why are you questioning this plan? The only people who question spending whatever money it takes, is people like you, who hate children.
[JEFF SAYS: NO, ACTUALLY, I...]
Jeff, I'm not trying to pick on you. It's just the law.
[JEFF SAYS: EXCUSE ME?]
Yes, Jeff, last year the unions got a law passed. It says that anyone who questions school spending, hates children. Face it, Jeff, nobody wants kids to show a school in dirty clothes with no sleep.
[JEFF ASKS: WHY DON'T THEIR PARENTS TAKE CARE OF THAT?]
I'm sorry, their what?
[JEFF SAYS: THEY PARENTS. WHY DON'T THE PARENTS OF THESE KIDS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM COMING TO SCHOOL IN CLEAN CLOTHES, AND WITH ADEQUATE SLEEP?]
I'm sorry, Jeff, you're using a word that I'm not familiar with. Are you referring to the quaint 20th-century notion that every child would have one or two adults, dedicated solely to their welfare and upbringing, slavishly following them around and making sure they were clothed and fed, and giving them love and moral instruction?
[JEFF SAYS: ...YES.]
[spluttering] Well then, what are the schools supposed to do? [laughs] Teach? Get serious. The public schools haven't been in the business of teaching in years.
No, Jeff, the modern public school system exists to perform social experiments on our society's children, for example, to teach them to feel guilty about being American, and to brainwash them into being semi-literate drones who will believe people like Michael Moore and Howard Dean.
By taking over such tasks as feeding the kids all their meals, doing their laundry and giving them a place to sleep, our public schools will be much more able to perform new and more ambitious social experiments.
Eventually, the entire concept of "parent" will wither away, and children will be taken from hospital maternity wards directly to the nearest pre-preschool, to be masticated into a formless pap, that can then be shaped by the brave leaders of the Teachers' Union, into a robotic army that they can use to control the nation, and making every year 1984. Truly a progressive vision.
[JEFF SAYS: THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE.]
You only say that because you... hate children. Jeff?
[JEFF SAYS: THANK YOU FOR THAT REPORT, TOM.]
[JEFF SAYS: WE HAVE A LIVE REPORT FROM TOM COX. TOM?]
Jeff, I'm coming to you live from the headquarters of the Portland Public Schools, where the school board has just unveiled their latest new plan to better serve "the children".
As you know, Jeff, many school systems have been criticized for offering free breakfasts and lunches during the summer, even as schools complain they have no money.
Well, Jeff, those same kill joys who complained about the free food, are going to complain about this too: bunk beds and laundry facilities are being added to Portland schools.
The problem is this -- sometimes, kids show up for school without clean clothes or without having had a proper night's sleep. The answer to this should be obvious to anyone. This schools need to step up and fill the gap, just as they have with breakfast and lunch.
By the way, Jeff, I should added that the schools will be adding free dinners to their menus.
[JEFF ASKS: ISN'T THIS GOING TO COST A LOT OF MONEY?]
Jeff, why do you hate children?
[JEFF SAYS: TOM, I DON'T HATE CHILDREN.]
Oh really? Well, if you don't hate children, then why are you questioning this plan? The only people who question spending whatever money it takes, is people like you, who hate children.
[JEFF SAYS: NO, ACTUALLY, I...]
Jeff, I'm not trying to pick on you. It's just the law.
[JEFF SAYS: EXCUSE ME?]
Yes, Jeff, last year the unions got a law passed. It says that anyone who questions school spending, hates children. Face it, Jeff, nobody wants kids to show a school in dirty clothes with no sleep.
[JEFF ASKS: WHY DON'T THEIR PARENTS TAKE CARE OF THAT?]
I'm sorry, their what?
[JEFF SAYS: THEY PARENTS. WHY DON'T THE PARENTS OF THESE KIDS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM COMING TO SCHOOL IN CLEAN CLOTHES, AND WITH ADEQUATE SLEEP?]
I'm sorry, Jeff, you're using a word that I'm not familiar with. Are you referring to the quaint 20th-century notion that every child would have one or two adults, dedicated solely to their welfare and upbringing, slavishly following them around and making sure they were clothed and fed, and giving them love and moral instruction?
[JEFF SAYS: ...YES.]
[spluttering] Well then, what are the schools supposed to do? [laughs] Teach? Get serious. The public schools haven't been in the business of teaching in years.
No, Jeff, the modern public school system exists to perform social experiments on our society's children, for example, to teach them to feel guilty about being American, and to brainwash them into being semi-literate drones who will believe people like Michael Moore and Howard Dean.
By taking over such tasks as feeding the kids all their meals, doing their laundry and giving them a place to sleep, our public schools will be much more able to perform new and more ambitious social experiments.
Eventually, the entire concept of "parent" will wither away, and children will be taken from hospital maternity wards directly to the nearest pre-preschool, to be masticated into a formless pap, that can then be shaped by the brave leaders of the Teachers' Union, into a robotic army that they can use to control the nation, and making every year 1984. Truly a progressive vision.
[JEFF SAYS: THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE.]
You only say that because you... hate children. Jeff?
[JEFF SAYS: THANK YOU FOR THAT REPORT, TOM.]
Democrats Obstruct
A third radio comedy sketch of mine. As always, the "Jeff" mentioned is the program host, Jeff Kropf.
Jeff, I'm coming to you live from Democratic Party headquarters in downtown Portland.
Now that the session is over in Salem, Democrats are reveling in the series of stunning victories that they have won this year in Oregon.
Jeff, as you know, the Democrats nationally are a minority party, and that has left them unable to do much in Congress except obstruct. They're the party of no, nix, nothing, no way, nada, not happening, too bad. The national Democratic platform appear to have collapsed into nothing more than petty obstructionism, and a desire to figure out whatever it is President Bush wants to do, and stop it.
Sadly, the once proud party of JFK and FDR has degenerated into nothing more than a faint, negative echo.
And that is what makes the contrast with Oregon so stark. Here in Oregon, Democrats are the majority party -- they control the governorship, all the major statewide offices, the state Supreme Court, and the state Senate.
This has allowed Oregon Democrats to raise obstructionism to an entirely new level. On health-care reform Democrats brought us... nothing. On major reform for K-12 education: nothing. Economic development: nothing. PERS reform: nothing. The governor's outcome based budgeting approach: failed.
Nationwide, Democrats are looking to Oregon for a new model of how a political party can use their majority status to really make things... Not Happen.
[ JEFF SAYS - Tom, political parties are supposed to enact policy changes that they believe are good for the state. ]
Jeff, that is so 2004. Maybe back when you were a kid, politics was about enacting policies, or instituting reform, or heck, even funding the schools. Not anymore.
The Democratic Party used to be a party of ideas -- in 1965. Face it just, the last a new idea to come from the Democrat was when Mike Dukakis rode around in a tank. They haven't gotten over that one.
And so, this year they've come up with a new, better approach. Instead of developing new ideas -- which is an enormous amount of work -- they're just going to criticize other people's ideas. Instead of coming up with a political agenda or a set of policies to pursue, they're going to wait for somebody else to do that... and then stop them.
[ JEFF SAYS - that sounds irresponsible. ]
EXACTLY! That is the whole point, Jeff, is to embrace irresponsibility. It's the perfect Democratic strategy for the 21st-century. If your party is not responsible, then your party isn't at fault.
So the next question is, how will the Politics of Obstruction play out in the governor's race next year?
[ JEFF SAYS - that *is* a good question, Tom - how will the public respond to Governor Kulongoski's relative ineffectiveness? ]
Well, Jeff, the Democrats believe Kulongoski's ineffectiveness will give him a big advantage. Normally, a governor running for a second term has to run on his record. He has to explain to voters all the things he did during his first term. But Ted Kulongoski has brilliantly immunized himself from any such criticism. There is nothing for anybody to criticize, because Ted didn't do anything. His record is, that he has no record.
[ JEFF SAYS - How does that help him? ]
It's easy. Ted positions himself as an outsider, ready to sweep in and clean up Salem. Because his party stands for irresponsibility, he himself is not responsible for anything that's happened. Ted will appeal to the angry voters who feel the government has failed to do its job.
[ JEFF ASKS - But Tom, if voters are angry at inactivity in Salem, won't they blame Ted? Won't that hurt him? ]
Jeff, why would the voters blame Ted Kulongoski for anything? [laughs] It's not like he's been governor or anything. [pause] Jeff?
[ JEFF SAYS - Thank you, Tom. ]
Jeff, I'm coming to you live from Democratic Party headquarters in downtown Portland.
Now that the session is over in Salem, Democrats are reveling in the series of stunning victories that they have won this year in Oregon.
Jeff, as you know, the Democrats nationally are a minority party, and that has left them unable to do much in Congress except obstruct. They're the party of no, nix, nothing, no way, nada, not happening, too bad. The national Democratic platform appear to have collapsed into nothing more than petty obstructionism, and a desire to figure out whatever it is President Bush wants to do, and stop it.
Sadly, the once proud party of JFK and FDR has degenerated into nothing more than a faint, negative echo.
And that is what makes the contrast with Oregon so stark. Here in Oregon, Democrats are the majority party -- they control the governorship, all the major statewide offices, the state Supreme Court, and the state Senate.
This has allowed Oregon Democrats to raise obstructionism to an entirely new level. On health-care reform Democrats brought us... nothing. On major reform for K-12 education: nothing. Economic development: nothing. PERS reform: nothing. The governor's outcome based budgeting approach: failed.
Nationwide, Democrats are looking to Oregon for a new model of how a political party can use their majority status to really make things... Not Happen.
[ JEFF SAYS - Tom, political parties are supposed to enact policy changes that they believe are good for the state. ]
Jeff, that is so 2004. Maybe back when you were a kid, politics was about enacting policies, or instituting reform, or heck, even funding the schools. Not anymore.
The Democratic Party used to be a party of ideas -- in 1965. Face it just, the last a new idea to come from the Democrat was when Mike Dukakis rode around in a tank. They haven't gotten over that one.
And so, this year they've come up with a new, better approach. Instead of developing new ideas -- which is an enormous amount of work -- they're just going to criticize other people's ideas. Instead of coming up with a political agenda or a set of policies to pursue, they're going to wait for somebody else to do that... and then stop them.
[ JEFF SAYS - that sounds irresponsible. ]
EXACTLY! That is the whole point, Jeff, is to embrace irresponsibility. It's the perfect Democratic strategy for the 21st-century. If your party is not responsible, then your party isn't at fault.
So the next question is, how will the Politics of Obstruction play out in the governor's race next year?
[ JEFF SAYS - that *is* a good question, Tom - how will the public respond to Governor Kulongoski's relative ineffectiveness? ]
Well, Jeff, the Democrats believe Kulongoski's ineffectiveness will give him a big advantage. Normally, a governor running for a second term has to run on his record. He has to explain to voters all the things he did during his first term. But Ted Kulongoski has brilliantly immunized himself from any such criticism. There is nothing for anybody to criticize, because Ted didn't do anything. His record is, that he has no record.
[ JEFF SAYS - How does that help him? ]
It's easy. Ted positions himself as an outsider, ready to sweep in and clean up Salem. Because his party stands for irresponsibility, he himself is not responsible for anything that's happened. Ted will appeal to the angry voters who feel the government has failed to do its job.
[ JEFF ASKS - But Tom, if voters are angry at inactivity in Salem, won't they blame Ted? Won't that hurt him? ]
Jeff, why would the voters blame Ted Kulongoski for anything? [laughs] It's not like he's been governor or anything. [pause] Jeff?
[ JEFF SAYS - Thank you, Tom. ]
PETA and the Endangered Tapeworm
Here is another radio commentary I wrote and performed.
[Jeff says](We have a special Northwest Nonsense News report from Tom Cox.
Tom?)
Jeff, the group PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, is seeking a restraining order to prevent a 14 year old North Portland girl from being treated for an infestation of intestinal parasites. The girl apparently became exposed during a family trip overseas. The parasites, a strain of rare albino tapeworm originating in Bangladesh, was previously believed extinct. PETA is applying for an Endangered Species Act listing for the rare animal, and has asked the court to bar the girl, whose name was not released, from [quote] "Any medical treatment that might harm this rare and precious creature." [unquote]
PETA believes that humans and animals are of equal moral value.
[Jeff asks] (Isn't there something we can do for this girl?)
The girl? The girl isn't the problem, Jeff. We have plenty of those. Fourteen year old girls aren't exactly in short supply. Frankly, there are too many of them - that's why Democrats occasionally toss one to Neil Goldschmidt, it keeps him happy and reduces the excess population.
No Jeff, the problem here is, how can we best protect this precious tapeworm? The court injunction to stop medical treatment is only a first step - we need to find new hosts who can provide suitable, loving homes for these rare, cuddly creatures, and help bring up their dwindling numbers. One thought is to use the power of eminent domain to condemn and seize people's bodies and use them as hosts against their will. Another is to just slip the tapeworm's eggs into the Portland water system. Eric Sten will never notice, and Portland's liberal elite won't mind because they only drink bottled water and frappucinos.
[Jeff says](Why doesn't PETA do something?)
Jeff, PETA isn't going to do anything constructive because it's not their *job* to do anything constructive. It's their job to complain, and to point out other people's moral failings. There was one suggestion, that PETA members should volunteer themselves as hosts, but that's just not going to work.
[Jeff asks](Why not?)
Nobody trusts PETA with actual animals any more. PETA ran an animal shelter on the East Coast, and it turns out they mostly just killed the animals and threw the bodies illegally into dumpsters.
[Jeff says](That's horrible. How is that ethical treatment of animals?)
Jeff, PETA doesn't actually *like* animals. [scoffs] No, PETA just hates *people*. Oh, hey, Jeff, did you get that special bottle of iced tea I left for you at the station?
[Jeff says](Yes, it was very tasty, that was very thoughtful of you.)
Well Jeff, let me just say, now you're more than just a *radio* host. Jeff?
[Jeff says](Thank you for that report, Tom.)
[Jeff says](We have a special Northwest Nonsense News report from Tom Cox.
Tom?)
Jeff, the group PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, is seeking a restraining order to prevent a 14 year old North Portland girl from being treated for an infestation of intestinal parasites. The girl apparently became exposed during a family trip overseas. The parasites, a strain of rare albino tapeworm originating in Bangladesh, was previously believed extinct. PETA is applying for an Endangered Species Act listing for the rare animal, and has asked the court to bar the girl, whose name was not released, from [quote] "Any medical treatment that might harm this rare and precious creature." [unquote]
PETA believes that humans and animals are of equal moral value.
[Jeff asks] (Isn't there something we can do for this girl?)
The girl? The girl isn't the problem, Jeff. We have plenty of those. Fourteen year old girls aren't exactly in short supply. Frankly, there are too many of them - that's why Democrats occasionally toss one to Neil Goldschmidt, it keeps him happy and reduces the excess population.
No Jeff, the problem here is, how can we best protect this precious tapeworm? The court injunction to stop medical treatment is only a first step - we need to find new hosts who can provide suitable, loving homes for these rare, cuddly creatures, and help bring up their dwindling numbers. One thought is to use the power of eminent domain to condemn and seize people's bodies and use them as hosts against their will. Another is to just slip the tapeworm's eggs into the Portland water system. Eric Sten will never notice, and Portland's liberal elite won't mind because they only drink bottled water and frappucinos.
[Jeff says](Why doesn't PETA do something?)
Jeff, PETA isn't going to do anything constructive because it's not their *job* to do anything constructive. It's their job to complain, and to point out other people's moral failings. There was one suggestion, that PETA members should volunteer themselves as hosts, but that's just not going to work.
[Jeff asks](Why not?)
Nobody trusts PETA with actual animals any more. PETA ran an animal shelter on the East Coast, and it turns out they mostly just killed the animals and threw the bodies illegally into dumpsters.
[Jeff says](That's horrible. How is that ethical treatment of animals?)
Jeff, PETA doesn't actually *like* animals. [scoffs] No, PETA just hates *people*. Oh, hey, Jeff, did you get that special bottle of iced tea I left for you at the station?
[Jeff says](Yes, it was very tasty, that was very thoughtful of you.)
Well Jeff, let me just say, now you're more than just a *radio* host. Jeff?
[Jeff says](Thank you for that report, Tom.)
Monday, September 19, 2005
Helping Katrina Victims
This is the text of a comedy radio sketch I wrote and performed recently:
Jeff, I'm coming to you live from the shoulder of Interstate I-10 between Baton Rouge and New Orleans in the storm-damaged state of Louisiana. Zooming past me are relief convoys bringing needed solace to the inhabitants of this - and neighboring - states.
Now you've been hearing for many days about the usual relief supplies being brought in - the water, the food, the hygiene kits, and so forth. You've also heard about the struggles of authorities to maintain order, and the volunteer efforts to bring help in and move refugees out, and to get them resettled.
But nobody has yet chronicled what I am about to chronicle for you now - the vital role played by the Political Left in rushing their own unique assistance to this troubled region. The trucks behind me are loaded down with blame.
[JEFF: DID YOU SAY BLAME?]
Yes Jeff, blame. Even before the first Red Cross trucks were being denied entry into New Orleans by Governor Blanco, the Political Left knew that these distressed people didn't need water, power, or a unified country committed to helping them - these people needed someone to blame - and the Left mobilized their armies of bloggers, whiners and Deaniacs to give it to them.
Think about it Jeff - suppose you had lost your life's savings, your home, your job, maybe a family member. Suppose you hadn't eaten in two days or had a drink of water in 24 hours. What would you want?
[JEFF: I THINK I'D WANT FOOD, WATER, AND A SAFE PLACE TO REST.]
Well, Jeff, that just shows how ignorant YOU are. America's Angry Left are a whole lot smarter than you - they know what's really needed is to pour sand into the gears of the relief effort by demanding the apportionment of blame while the disaster is still unfolding.
Nobody has done more to rush big, steaming piles of blame into the stricken region. Nobody has done more to distract all levels of political leadership from coordinating the relief effort. Nobody has done more to split the nation along racial and ethnic lines. It's really time for the rest of us to take a moment, especially on a day like today, to reflect on the great contributions the Angry Left have made to our nation, and to express our gratitude.
Four years ago, our nation was attacked and we briefly rallied together under the mistaken notion that our nation needed unity. But it was the Angry Left who revealed that - well, we were attacked because America is evil and deserved to be attacked. It was the Angry Left who explained that, any time America is attacked, the attack itself is proof that we deserved it.
Now, in the aftermath of Katrina, it's the Angry Left who have revealed that this hurricane was under the direct control of the Bush Administration, who steered it towards black people, because Bush hates black people. If it weren't for the Angry Left, I wouldn't have known that.
Jeff, this Republican storm has all but destroyed one of the great success stories of Leftist policy - a city mired in poverty, riddled with corruption, and racked by a crime rate ten times above the national average - the crown jewel of Leftist social planning.
[JEFF: WHY IS THAT A SUCCESS STORY?]
Because everybody voted Democrat, Jeff.Why do you think the Left embraces these policies that drive up crime and mire people in intergenerational poverty?
But never fear, Jeff - the Left is on the job. You can be sure that, while others waste time bringing in water and food, or cleaning up, or maintaining order, the Angry Left is hard at work making sure America knows that we are a racist society and everything is George Bush's fault.
Can you hear those trucks rushing by? Stand by, grief stricken survivors! Blame is on the way!
Jeff?
[JEFF: THANK YOU FOR THAT REPORT, TOM.]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
