PETA and the Endangered Tapeworm

Here is another radio commentary I wrote and performed.

[Jeff says](We have a special Northwest Nonsense News report from Tom Cox.
Tom?)

Jeff, the group PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, is seeking a restraining order to prevent a 14 year old North Portland girl from being treated for an infestation of intestinal parasites. The girl apparently became exposed during a family trip overseas. The parasites, a strain of rare albino tapeworm originating in Bangladesh, was previously believed extinct. PETA is applying for an Endangered Species Act listing for the rare animal, and has asked the court to bar the girl, whose name was not released, from [quote] "Any medical treatment that might harm this rare and precious creature." [unquote]

PETA believes that humans and animals are of equal moral value.

[Jeff asks] (Isn't there something we can do for this girl?)

The girl? The girl isn't the problem, Jeff. We have plenty of those. Fourteen year old girls aren't exactly in short supply. Frankly, there are too many of them - that's why Democrats occasionally toss one to Neil Goldschmidt, it keeps him happy and reduces the excess population.

No Jeff, the problem here is, how can we best protect this precious tapeworm? The court injunction to stop medical treatment is only a first step - we need to find new hosts who can provide suitable, loving homes for these rare, cuddly creatures, and help bring up their dwindling numbers. One thought is to use the power of eminent domain to condemn and seize people's bodies and use them as hosts against their will. Another is to just slip the tapeworm's eggs into the Portland water system. Eric Sten will never notice, and Portland's liberal elite won't mind because they only drink bottled water and frappucinos.

[Jeff says](Why doesn't PETA do something?)

Jeff, PETA isn't going to do anything constructive because it's not their *job* to do anything constructive. It's their job to complain, and to point out other people's moral failings. There was one suggestion, that PETA members should volunteer themselves as hosts, but that's just not going to work.

[Jeff asks](Why not?)

Nobody trusts PETA with actual animals any more. PETA ran an animal shelter on the East Coast, and it turns out they mostly just killed the animals and threw the bodies illegally into dumpsters.

[Jeff says](That's horrible. How is that ethical treatment of animals?)

Jeff, PETA doesn't actually *like* animals. [scoffs] No, PETA just hates *people*. Oh, hey, Jeff, did you get that special bottle of iced tea I left for you at the station?

[Jeff says](Yes, it was very tasty, that was very thoughtful of you.)

Well Jeff, let me just say, now you're more than just a *radio* host. Jeff?

[Jeff says](Thank you for that report, Tom.)