Public School Laundry Plan

A fourth sketch of mine. These were performed on KXL AM-750 in Portland on Sundays.


[JEFF SAYS: WE HAVE A LIVE REPORT FROM TOM COX. TOM?]

Jeff, I'm coming to you live from the headquarters of the Portland Public Schools, where the school board has just unveiled their latest new plan to better serve "the children".

As you know, Jeff, many school systems have been criticized for offering free breakfasts and lunches during the summer, even as schools complain they have no money.

Well, Jeff, those same kill joys who complained about the free food, are going to complain about this too: bunk beds and laundry facilities are being added to Portland schools.

The problem is this -- sometimes, kids show up for school without clean clothes or without having had a proper night's sleep. The answer to this should be obvious to anyone. This schools need to step up and fill the gap, just as they have with breakfast and lunch.

By the way, Jeff, I should added that the schools will be adding free dinners to their menus.

[JEFF ASKS: ISN'T THIS GOING TO COST A LOT OF MONEY?]

Jeff, why do you hate children?

[JEFF SAYS: TOM, I DON'T HATE CHILDREN.]

Oh really? Well, if you don't hate children, then why are you questioning this plan? The only people who question spending whatever money it takes, is people like you, who hate children.

[JEFF SAYS: NO, ACTUALLY, I...]

Jeff, I'm not trying to pick on you. It's just the law.

[JEFF SAYS: EXCUSE ME?]

Yes, Jeff, last year the unions got a law passed. It says that anyone who questions school spending, hates children. Face it, Jeff, nobody wants kids to show a school in dirty clothes with no sleep.

[JEFF ASKS: WHY DON'T THEIR PARENTS TAKE CARE OF THAT?]

I'm sorry, their what?

[JEFF SAYS: THEY PARENTS. WHY DON'T THE PARENTS OF THESE KIDS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM COMING TO SCHOOL IN CLEAN CLOTHES, AND WITH ADEQUATE SLEEP?]

I'm sorry, Jeff, you're using a word that I'm not familiar with. Are you referring to the quaint 20th-century notion that every child would have one or two adults, dedicated solely to their welfare and upbringing, slavishly following them around and making sure they were clothed and fed, and giving them love and moral instruction?

[JEFF SAYS: ...YES.]

[spluttering] Well then, what are the schools supposed to do? [laughs] Teach? Get serious. The public schools haven't been in the business of teaching in years.

No, Jeff, the modern public school system exists to perform social experiments on our society's children, for example, to teach them to feel guilty about being American, and to brainwash them into being semi-literate drones who will believe people like Michael Moore and Howard Dean.

By taking over such tasks as feeding the kids all their meals, doing their laundry and giving them a place to sleep, our public schools will be much more able to perform new and more ambitious social experiments.

Eventually, the entire concept of "parent" will wither away, and children will be taken from hospital maternity wards directly to the nearest pre-preschool, to be masticated into a formless pap, that can then be shaped by the brave leaders of the Teachers' Union, into a robotic army that they can use to control the nation, and making every year 1984. Truly a progressive vision.

[JEFF SAYS: THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE.]

You only say that because you... hate children. Jeff?

[JEFF SAYS: THANK YOU FOR THAT REPORT, TOM.]