Jeff, I'm excited to bring you an exclusive scoop in the Tom DeLay case. As you may know, the majority leader of the U.S. House of Representatives, Republican Tom DeLay of Texas, was recently indicted.
He's been charged with a single count of Conspiracy to violate campaign finance laws. And under the rules put in place by the Republicans, nobody can serve in a leadership position while also facing any criminal indictment.
That means the Republican House Majority Leader has had to step down - that's a big blow to Republicans at the national level. Some fear that the multi-billion dollar spending orgy of the past five years may slow down as a result.
But the Northwest Nonsense News has received the only leaked copy of Tom DeLay's defense plans. And let me say, it's a masterpiece.
[JEFF: PLEASE TELL US ABOUT IT.]
The DeLay defense team has plotted out a stunning long term strategy that, once executed, will ensure that the public embraces Tom DeLay even more strongly and lovingly than it has in the past.
Now you may have heard that the charge here, Conspiracy, is regarded by lawyers as the easiest charge to bring but the hardest to prove. Combine that with the fact that the charge was sought by Travis County (Austin) prosecutor Ronnie Earle, who is a Democrat with a long history of indicting powerful people whom he then fails to convict.
Finally, you add in some of the confidential information that was leaked to me that demonstrate DeLay's innocence, and you'd be forgiven for assuming that DeLay was going to fight this accusation.
But the DeLay defense won't fight - they're going to plead guilty.
[JEFF: WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE WAS INNOCENT.]
Oh, he is, Jeff. But they cannot let this opportunity go by.
[JEFF: HOW IS IT AN OPPORTUNITY? YOU SAY HE'S INNOCENT AND HE COULD PROVE IT.]
That's correct.
[JEFF: WELL THEN, PLEADING GUILTY JUST SOUNDS NUTS.]
Jeff, genius is often mistaken for insanity. Believe me, Tom DeLay's defense is crazy like a fox. Here is the timeline, laid out in the secret documents that I have obtained from DeLay's defense team.
- In late September 2005, he was indicted and stepped down from his leadership
- position.
- In mid-November, he is publicly arraigned. That coincides with sweeps week on Court TV.
- In February 2006, DeLay's deposition is scheduled.
By June, the public begins to sicken from two endless months of Democratic wailing about DeLay. The Democrats, unable to take the hint, won't shut up. And public sentiment begins to turn.
In August of 2006, DeLay completes his sentence of work-release, and goes on ABC's Good Morning America with his wife to talk about his ordeal. Following in the footsteps of Martha Stewart, he then arranges to have a series of soft interviews with the likes of Larry King and Dr. Phil. Entertainment shows talk about what model ankle bracelet he wears during his parole.
By October of 2006, DeLay is transformed into a beloved American hero and gets his own TV show. He leads the Republicans to gain several seats in both the House and Senate, and is considered a serious contender for the Presidency in 2008.
Jeff, you can't get that kind of star treatment in America by being innocent. Only guilty people get to ride that particular gravy train. And thanks to Democratic over-reaching, Tom DeLay is about to jump on that gravy train and ride it to the White House.
[JEFF: THAT'S... AMAZING, TOM. I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO SAY.]
As for myself, I plan to plead guilty to something, just as soon as I can get the Democrats to indict me. I want my own TV show. Jeff?
[JEFF: THANK YOU FOR THAT REPORT, TOM.]
2 comments:
He could claim that it was "just about sex" and we would be over it by now.
With an analytical mind like that, you should be a Libertarian.
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