March 25 - Salem, OR - Senate Democrats today announced plans for an ambitious new program to demonstrate that their party has a monopoly on caring and good intentions. SB 666, recently passed out of committee, will establish a "Bonfire of Compassion" - an eternal flame into which lawmakers will feed taxpayer dollars to demonstrate their deep commitment to various causes.

"We Democrats care deeply about Oregon, and Republicans don't," said Senate President Peter Courtney. "This bonfire will prove once and for all that we are the party of benevolence and humanity, whereas Republicans are heartless and cruel."

Members of both parties have long implicitly agreed that a lawmaker's level of interest in solving a problem can be measured by how much money they are willing to spend on that problem. This new program makes that relationship explicit, said Senate Majority Leader Kate Brown. "By ceremonially burning taxpayer dollars in this bonfire, we will show all Oregonians how much we care. The more we burn, the deeper our passion for nurturing progressive change."

Prior to the bonfire, Democrats had a harder time demonstrating their love for vulnerable people. Previously, expensive and symbolic spending binges were tied to projects and programs, some of which didn't manage to spend all of their money. This sometimes resulted in embarrassing cash balances at the end of the budget cycle, leaving Democrats feeling that their caring had been short-changed.

"When DHS [the Department of Human Services] managed to find over $150 million last year, after swearing they were broke, it really made us feel like we'd failed," said Majority Leader Brown.

Such unexpected non-spending will be a thing of the past with the new Bonfire of Compassion. "We'll burn that money ourselves," vowed Senator Courtney. "No more leftovers. Oregon taxpayers will witness first hand the profound extent of our kindness and generosity."

A Republican amendment to use only Monopoly or "play" money in the bonfire was defeated in a party-line vote. Senator Brown said the failed amendment demonstrated that Republicans are "soft" on social spending. "It's not what you accomplish that matters," said Brown, "it's how much money you burn."